"Luck is when Preparation meets Opportunity"

I am nearing the halfway mark of my time here in France and I have surpassed the mark of longest time spend away from home.  Five months down and only six more to go- and I say ‘only’ because that is what it now feels like.  At the start of this I was X-ing days off my calendar, counting down the days until I would be going home and the year felt it would take a lifetime.  Everyone talks about how fast a year goes, and I even tried telling all my friends and family- “it’ll be over in no time!” but I was saying that to convince myself more than anything.  I do not think I have ever cried so many tears in my life as I did when I arrived.  It was one of the hardest transitions and not because of culture shock- I already knew what to expect in that aspect.  Lots of people couldn’t understand how I could be so upset and the solution would be to tell me how lucky I am and I should be so happy to be here.  I have come a long way in just five months and I am going to do my best to explain why being “lucky” does nothing in terms of adjusting to a new life situation.

                In the five years since I have graduated high school I have gone through so many different transitions and changes which has made me a very adaptive person.  In just over one year I lost my father, graduated high school, moved out on my own and began learning how to support myself.  In the years to follow I went to two different colleges, changed my major and my life plan, moved every single year, worked one, two and even three jobs at a time, became swallowed up in student loans, studied abroad, graduated at last with a double major after going through 18 credit semesters and working my butt off.  At the end of all that I had many decisions to face- my lease was up, my loans would be coming out of their grace period at some point, I wasn’t making enough money at my job, I had my diploma but only 2 non-paid internships that were relevant to those degrees- what to do???   This is what we call a “quarter-life crisis.”  My poor family and friends had to endure outbursts of sadness and anger all at once because I felt like I was drowning in stress and everything in my life was one giant question mark.  I know I was not an enjoyable person to be around.  I came up with a plan I had been building on throughout my last semester- I would join the Americorps while my Peace Corps application would be processed (which can take a year).  I was sure of this choice and thought it would all work out perfectly.

                I spend months working on both applications and submitted both within a week of one another.  I applied to several Americorps programs and felt well qualified and couldn’t see any reason why they wouldn’t take me.  At the end of June I received an email from a woman living in France who grew up in West Bend and was looking for an American au pair (sorry- most of you know this story).  I had spoken with her back in January but they were looking for someone in 2012 and it just didn’t fit into my plans.  But now they were looking for someone as early as August 2011- she asked if I still would be interested.  It was a surprising email and while I was turning the possibility over in my head- perplexed because I had all these other applications out there and my plan in place, how could I fit in France?  Fate stepped in and delivered to me 3 rejection emails from the Americorps- all in one day.  Turns out I did not get into a SINGLE Americorps program- off to France it was!!!  I was excited and scared all at once, I knew I wanted to try being an au pair once in my life- it is a great way to live in another country, learn another language and I was hoping for another reason to return to the country.  At the same time it would make completing the Peace Corps process a lot more difficult. 

                Fate stepped in with that one too- fate or I am just not a good interviewee, which I have a hard time believing because I have almost never interviewed for a job and not gotten it.  Late in the summer I had a Peace Corps interview in Chicago- they stressed that it was a very professional interview and to be prepare for tough questions.  I thought I had prepared but nowhere near enough!  It was the worst interview I have ever sat through in my life, and it took almost 2 hours!  I left feeling utterly disheartened and defeated.  All I could do was cry as I felt that dream fly out the window.  The interview concluded with the recruiter telling me he wanted me to speak with more returned volunteers and come back with better responses to his questions- basically he told me to get a clue.  A mere two weeks before I was to jet off to France I was supposed to change my outlook and re-represent myself to the Peace Corps?  Not an easy task and not one I was prepared to handle.  I had been so determined but since the recruiter was so hard on me I had to bite the bullet and ask him to put my application on hold- I simply could not deal with it at that time.

                After an emotional rollercoaster of a summer, I said goodbye to all of my loved ones and was dropped off at the Chicago airport.  I could not sleep a wink on my flight over the Atlantic because I was unable to stop crying.  I felt like my life was a mess and I was having a hard time justifying my coming to France- after 5 years in college, my life plan going out the window- I was going to be a nanny for a year?  In the two months to follow I kept asking myself the same thing over and over- what am I doing here?  It doesn’t make any sense for me to be here?  This is not a strategic career move, I miss my family and friends, what the heck am I doing with my life?  I feel I went through the biggest personal struggle thus far in my life.  I couldn’t turn back once I was here but to be honest I felt miserable.  I didn’t know how to take care of children for a living, I could barely understand what the kids said when they spoke, I felt unqualified and like this would be wasting a year of my life just to learn a language when I will end up right back in the same spot at the end of it.  I had to adjust to living in a family home after getting used to living by myself and then with just one other person.  I struggled with moving back in with my own family back in the states and here I was living with one who knew nothing about me!  I clung to life back home, talking to those closest to me as much as I could, and honestly, I was having far too close of a relationship with my laptop.  There were some minor up moments when I would get into the city and see my American friends who were a great support, but I really only got to see them on weekends.  I was able to have some awe inspiring moments that made me remember, ‘hey, I do love Paris!’ but I felt they were few and far between.  For always describing myself as adaptive I was really letting myself down which was the biggest disappointment of all.  I wasn’t ungrateful to be here but I couldn’t make sense of it!

                After countless breakdowns, hundreds of journal entries, and many sleepless nights- I have made sense of it and can say with all of my heart and soul- I am here at the right place and the right time in my life and I wouldn’t have it any other way.  The best piece of advice I ever received was “it comes in waves,” when being abroad there are high moments of excitement and adventure, and low moments of homesickness and blunders.  Thanksgiving for me here was a great success- I had a wonderful meal with lots of friends at l’Auberge and another lovely meal with my host family.  Christmas and New Years was a plummeting low, which took me by surprised because I tried everything in my power to make it as positive as could be, but part of me just went down with the sinking homesick ship.  Just before I had a friend visit from home, my spirits had started to lift and now they are at an all-time high.  After re-visiting many of my favorite spots in the city, having an excellent birthday celebration and feeling so much love from people here and at home- I am at peace!  Finally I have given up focusing and stressing about my future and what I am going to do when I get home.  I have even stopped counting down until I leave.  I can be described as at a perfect equilibrium.  I am at the point where I miss home but I am SO happy to be here, I want to go home but I will be SO sad to leave.  I am taking this year as my reward for working so hard the last 5 years.  It wasn’t luck that got me here by any means!  One of my favorite quotes is “Luck is when preparation meets opportunity” which is exactly what happened in my case.  Learning a second language is one of the hardest things I have ever done but I made it my own personal goal to become fluent.  See, I am one of those people that cannot start something without finishing it and I needed to come here a second time, for a longer period, to really get my spoken level where I wanted it to be.  I have stressed and strived over this language and here I was given the opportunity to perfect it in the most unique and effective way.  I have been given the chance to experience personal growth to an extreme extent and take a year to focus on just me and no one else; not grades, not a high-stress job, just me.  I have free time in the mornings and early afternoons where I work on getting into shape and being healthy, go to class, or take a personal day for reading/watching TV/ maybe shopping.  I work about 30 hours a week where sometimes I have one kid, sometimes I have three, sometimes it is sitting around while the kid naps, and sometimes its running around to activities.  It can be hard work in its own way.  I have a tight budget but am very well taken care of by the family who goes as far as they can to treat me like family.  I have the weekends to myself to do as I please and I take full advantage.  I have a wonderful balance of work and “me” time which I never realized I needed so much until right now.  After years of multi-tasking and deadlines and craziness I get to learn how to relax and be a little more laid back!

                I have to give a lot of credit for my happiness and positivity right now to the group of friends I have been getting closer and closer with.  Without these girls I would be lost.  In the last couple weeks I have been able to have the most careless fun, forget all my troubles and live in the moment!  I have realized that these girls make me forget all my worries and troubles and just LAUGH.  Laughter has been the best medicine and they make me do it constantly!  From my birthday I learned that they are there for me and willing to do what it takes to keep a girl happy on her night- they ALL definitely went the extra mile.  I can only hope to do the same for them in the months to come.  Girls, mes filles- I have your backs no matter what and I love you dearly!!!  You know who you are :D  I don’t want this experience to end mainly because I do not want this time with these people to end!  Now that we have gotten so close time is going to fly and it is going to be a bittersweet goodbye.

                My family has really come through for me too- from my grandparents right down to my niece, Kaylyn.  I have never felt more loved and supported than since I left.  They say the right things when I am sad, they are happy for me when I am happy and when they don’t know what to say, they at least listen.  I know it is difficult to be there for someone when you can’t completely understand what they are going through but they do their best to try and they have done everything and more that I could have asked for.  I know my sister misses me dearly and wishes I was there with her.  She is one of the reasons I am here doing what I am doing so I know in the end she wants what is best for me and supports me one-hundred percent.  Kaylyn has drawn me countless pictures and made me cards and my heart melts every time she tells me she misses me- I wish more than anything I could be there with her, but at the same time I am hoping that the time I am spending away from her can be a sort of inspiration- to show her she can do anything she wants with her life.  Gramma and Grampa- you have gone above and beyond for me also in so many ways and I know you are there no matter what- on skype and ready when I need you – I love you!  My mother sent me the most glorious care package back in December which was totally unexpected and she went way out of her way on that one, I love her more now than I ever have before.

                To sum up- It was a really bumpy and tough ride getting to this 5 month marker but it makes the perfect mid-point for me, a changing point.  I have a fresh outlook with no regrets, even if I spent weeks crying and wanting to go home, I overcame it and had to go through that to realize how right for me this is.  I have come to learn that Paris is a transitional place for a lot of people and can do remarkable things to you and for you.  I am finally taking full advantage now that I am comfortable with the family and know they are happy with me, I have this amazing group of friends, and the best support group back home- I am prepared for anything.  I hope to be taking more small trips in the coming months, I look forward to more visits from close friends, and see nothing but good times ahead.  Laissez les bons temps rouler!